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more than words

Anger isn't the right word for what Kurt feels towards Blaine, but sometimes he thinks that it's the best way to describe how he's acted. He hasn't taken a single call, hasn't answered most of Blaine's texts, and he's been careful to try and find new paths to any classes that they share. He's carefully avoided having to step by Blaine's hall, carefully avoided their usual hangouts and restaurants, keeping himself away from places he knows can only upset him at this point in time.

Anger would make it easier to live in a similar space as Blaine, but what Kurt feels is nothing short of an ache that worms into his chest and squeezes every day, every second, enough that Kurt feels like he can hardly breathe.

The approach of Valentine's Day only makes it worse.

He's both surprised and not to find a present left at his doorstep when he readies himself to head to the grocery store. Picking up the CD and the flowers, Kurt carefully glances both ways down the hall before stepping back inside, filling the vase on the kitchen table before he can stop himself. Because... well, you can't return flowers.

You just can't.

But he does plan on returning the CD, fingers carefully tracing over the cover art and hesitating, his heart lurching when it becomes clear that this isn't any professional job. There's something on this CD that you can't find in stores, something that Blaine's likely put together on his own.

So Kurt slips into their — his bedroom, sliding the disc into his player and hesitantly starting it.

Ten minutes later, he's crying, tears falling heavy and hot into his pillow.

An hour later, he's punching in Blaine's number on his phone.

Taking him off speed dial didn't help Kurt forget the number.

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There aren't many people who have Kurt's phone number. Lisbeth and Neil, of course. A small handful of people from the music shop. About a half a dozen people from class. His own contact list has less than twenty entries and, of those, Blaine speaks to maybe two of them with any regularity.

And one of those two he hasn't heard from at all in nearly a month.

So when his phone buzzes on Valentine's Day, lighting up with Kurt's name in bright blue, for a moment he thinks he's imagining it. He's alone in his apartment, half-eaten bowl of soup cooling on the table near his feet and television stuck on some sitcom he's only half paying attention to. His phone trills twice more before Blaine can find the strength to answer, heart lodged in his throat and stomach in knots as he hurriedly puts the TV on mute. "Kurt? Are you okay?"

Strangely, the question twists even more at Kurt's chest, more than he expected for it to. He's not sure why it's at all surprising. Blaine's always been one to look after Kurt, and considering everything that they've seen in Darrow, it should be the first thing that Kurt expects to hear. His heart takes yet another lurch as he thinks about the way things were last year, when he remembers laying with Blaine after finding solace from Silent Hill and feeling so, so afraid, with only Blaine to keep him from being absolutely paralyzed.

Sometimes, he wonders why he can't bring himself to put more faith in Blaine, even after that.

"Hey, Blaine," he says, voice soft and measured, his words coming out with some difficulty. "I'm fine. I just... wanted to thank you for the present. And to see how you're doing."

Though he's quiet, Kurt doesn't sound like he's in any kind of danger or pain, and Blaine lets himself breath a sigh of relief. He'd half expected to find the flowers and CD he'd sent waiting for him outside his front door when he returned home from work and, when he hadn't, imagined Kurt had simply thrown them both out immediately. It'd been his last attempt to reach out, one final effort to let Kurt know just how sorry he is, how much he aches for missing him, how badly he wants to fix things.

He hadn't really expected Kurt to listen. After weeks of ignored phone calls and texts he simply couldn't.

And now, even with this, Blaine can't bear to get his hopes up.

"I'm--" he starts, heart hammering with uncertainty. I miss you, he longs to say. But he's made that clear so many times already. He doubts Kurt wants to hear it again. "I'm okay. I'm glad you got the gifts. I, uh... I meant every word. Every song."

In spite of everything, it's really good to hear Blaine's voice in real time. Even though Kurt knows that Blaine's always been particularly honest in song, it's good to just hear him talk, that voice that he used to have by his side at all times. A touch that threatens to push Kurt back into addiction; he needs to fight it, he tries his best to. But he can't help the way his heart seizes, melting right into the sound, and he can't help but picture the look on Blaine's face, hopeful and unsure.

"I know," Kurt says quietly, taking a deep pull of air and shaking his head. "I know, Blaine, and I need you to listen to me for a second, okay?"

He has to steel his nerves first; they already threaten to buckle. It'd be easiest to just hang up. Or maybe easier still to forgive everything and just let it lie in his past, but Kurt knows now that neither of these will serve him in the long run. And if there's something he can't let up on anymore, it's taking care of himself.

"Blaine, I know that you're sorry. You've said it in every way possible, multiple times already, and I believe it. I do. You can't have gone through as much as we have and not... believe an apology," Kurt continues, tracing his finger over the fabric of his pillow. "But, as much as I try to forgive you, I'm not quite there yet. I don't know when I will be. What... I do know is that I miss you. You're still my best friend, you know."

Staring with unseeing eyes at the television, Blaine listens intently. He doesn't realize he's holding his breath until his chest starts to burn and he forces himself to exhale, shaking a little with a flood of emotions, his eyes starting to sting.

Not all of it is good, of course. But it's not surprising either. Of course Kurt can't forgive him, of course he's going to need more time to decide if Blaine's even worth keeping around as a friend, much less anything else. But it's still so much better than anything Blaine had expected. Because it sounds it sounds like Kurt actually wants to try.

"I miss you, too," he finally manages, his voice wet with emotion as he pulls his knees up close to his chest and leaning heavily into the corner of the couch. "I miss you so much, Kurt."

Curling further into himself on the bed, Kurt buries his face into the pillow and takes a deep, steadying breath. It's hard to focus when he can hear the wetness of Blaine's voice, knowing that Blaine must be on the verge of tears himself, and not doing anything to make it all better. The fact that Blaine betrayed him doesn't erase how much Kurt cares, deeply and wholly, about this boy that he's loved so much and that has helped him find his center in so many more ways than one.

It hurts still, and Kurt squeezes his eyes against the ache.

"I know," he murmurs, swallowing thickly. "So I was thinking... that maybe we should sit down and have a heart-to-heart at some point. Figure out where we are as friends. Because this place is pretty scary on its own, and I want us to be able to look out for each other. I don't want anything to happen to you."

He can tell from the way Kurt's breathing that this isn't easy for him either. Somehow knowing that only makes him feel worse, guilt twisting hot and heavy in his gut as he crosses an arm over himself and closes his eyes tight, trying to focus all his attention on every word Kurt is saying. He can't bear to mess anything up here. He can't.

"That sounds... yes," Blaine says, trying to choose his words as carefully as he can. It still feels like more than he could've hoped for. Because it is. He was so sure Kurt might never speak to him ever again. "I'd really like that. If anything happened to you here or anywhere else, I don't-- I mean. You're my best friend too, Kurt. And even if that's all we ever are, it's more than I deserve. I want to be someone you can go to no matter what. I really do."

Kurt shakes his head before he can stop himself. It's strange, how even now, he hates the idea of Blaine thinking negative thoughts about himself. There are some things that he's still so hurt by, but Blaine as a person isn't someone that Kurt's ever doubted in. He's compassionate, he cares for his friends, he's talented almost to a fault. In many ways, Kurt feels like Blaine's still the best thing that's ever happened to him, and he knows that Blaine's support has been instrumental in Kurt finding himself at all. He wouldn't have been able to move to New York, otherwise, too afraid and clinging to the familiar.

But he can't quite bring himself to linger too much on the topic.

Because he feels himself threatening to cave, and he just can't.

"What do you think about... dinner?" Kurt asks, swallowing thickly. "Maybe on Saturday, after my shift at the clothing store? Unless your work schedule's changed."

Shaking his head a little, Blaine says, "No, no, that should be fine. I've, uh... I've been working later hours there recently, but getting that night off shouldn't be any trouble."

This whole thing feels much more awkward than any conversation Blaine has ever had with Kurt. And he knows that's to be expected, he knows he should just be grateful they're talking at all -- and he is -- but it's also deeply unsettling. A month ago, he never would imagined anything could be this difficult.

"Do you want, uh... At your place or mine? Or would you rather go out?"

The mention of Blaine working later hours doesn't worry Kurt all that much. There's always a chance that Blaine's throwing far too much attention into things that have a clear return, rather than the self-reflection that either of them probably needs, but Kurt understands the need to keep busy. He understands the need to complete tasks that one can be held accountable for, understands the allure of steady, measurable progress. So he nods, even though Blaine won't see.

His question is another matter.

"Um..." Kurt hesitates, closing his eyes to think. His apartment feels like it carries too much history, like it's being surrounded by too much of them, that it might cloud their judgment. Blaine's apartment is the exact opposite, a place Kurt doesn't want to step because it'll feel wrong to see Blaine in those surroundings. But outside... it's too impersonal. Kurt takes a slow breath, wishing that they had some type of private, neutral ground to take to, but Lisbeth hasn't been around recently, and Kurt can't help but think that she still needs that distance.

"My place, I think," he answers at last, deciding that he'll just need to switch some of the layout around, pick out different dishware. It can work. "I'll cook."

The idea of going back to Kurt's apartment, what used to be their apartment in every way but actual name, is slightly daunting. But, he reminds himself, he's just lucky Kurt is talking to him at all, that Kurt wants to listen to him and try to find someway to be friends again. He could tell Blaine he wants to meet in the middle of the tiger exhibit at the zoo and Blaine would be happy for it. He can do this.

"Okay," Blaine says on a quick breath, nodding even though he knows Kurt can't see it. "Let me bring something though, okay? Maybe dessert? Or salad?" Of the two of them, Kurt is definitely the better cook, but Blaine's getting better. He has to now, he has to figure out how to take care of himself, how to feed himself with out Kurt worrying over him. He's positive he can manage a salad or brownies or even a simple pie. And he wants to contribute something.

Kurt cringes slightly at the question, at the thought that their dinner may be excruciatingly long and awkward, at the thought that salad and dessert used to be things that he took care of, that he took care of all of their meals both hot and packed. Part of him is tempted to argue that he'll take care of everything, but part of him knows that he doesn't have a right to it, that it might not even be a good idea from the standpoint of being on equal ground and separate, disparate people. Rubbing at his forehead, Kurt takes a soft breath, considering.

"Dessert," he decides, biting down on his lip. "You can bring dessert. And you know how much I love dessert, so that's a pretty big concession I'm making for you right there. I hope you're up to the task."

"I'm not promising that I'll make it myself," Blaine says with a quiet, only slightly strained laugh. And god, that feels good. It's not easy right now, it's not like before, but Kurt's tone is just very slightly teasing, just enough for Blaine to see a glimmer of hope. Maybe not for what he deeply, deeply wants, but for friendship at least. And, for now, that's more than enough.

"There's this great little bakery a block or two from the music shop. I could grab something from there and just say I made it. You'd never be the wiser."

"Well, now I'm just going to assume that anything above a seven out of ten was ordered from a pastry shop," Kurt points out quietly, fingers tangled in his sheets and pulling at the fabric as his eyes skate down the lines of folds and wrinkles. "You would have benefited from keeping that bit to yourself."

Exhaling quietly, Kurt sits up and pulls his legs tightly to his chest, trying to stamp down on the way it churns and twists uncomfortably. It's still not easy, talking to Blaine like this. But maybe it's a little better than he first expected.

Maybe.

Jury's still out.

"So... I'll see you Saturday, then?"

Blaine doesn't laugh that time, but his smile stays strong. They're talking, at least. They're talking. It's not like before, but it's still Kurt on the other end of the line. And it's Kurt who called him and he wants to see Blaine again.

It's a start, at least. It's a start.

Swallowing tightly, Blaine nods, his smile still evident in his voice when he says, "Yes. Saturday. Your place. I'll bring the dessert. And, uhm... Kurt?" He hesitates for a second, considers all the things he longs to say, wonders how much he should keep quiet before just going for it. "I love you. Thank you for calling."

The words put another lump in Kurt's throat, and he knows that he can't continue this conversation for much longer without giving away how he feels, still torn and wounded and yearning so much that it makes everything bleed all the more. It's with a soft breath that Kurt nods against the phone, gaze skirting up towards the ceiling, as though that might stave off the tears. He doesn't want to cry anymore, he doesn't want Blaine to hear him crying, he doesn't want to push at wounds not yet healed.

But he will inevitably do all of these things again in time.

"I love you too," he says quietly, pressing his lips tightly together. "I'll see you soon."

Carefully pulling his phone away from his ear, he hangs up quickly. Kurt's pretty sure he's had all he can for the time being.

He isn't at all expecting to hear the sentiment returned; that isn't why he says it. The fact that Kurt does return it makes something inside his chest crack open and he has to bite back the smile that spreads across his face. Because he knows Kurt means it. He wouldn't say it otherwise. He wouldn't.

All he can manage for a moment is a nod, his throat clogged with emotion, until he realizes that Kurt can't see him and he roughly whispers, "Goodnight."

He isn't sure if Kurt hears it before he hangs up. It really doesn't matter if he does; Blaine is somehow sure Kurt knows he got the message either way.

As far as Valentine's Days go, it's not Blaine's favorite by a long shot. But it's easily ended far better than Blaine could've ever dared hope for.

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