likesboys | lonely christmas eve

[ continued from here ]

"You have friends here, right? From home, I mean. In theory, that's supposed to make things easier," he said with a quirk of his lips. In theory, because having Lionel on the island made things exponentially more awkward. The idea of spending Christmas with him was about as horrifying as spending it without him.

"But I think sometimes holidays are complicated, no matter where you are."

"They, they do make it easier," Kurt quickly nodded, his smile straining with the sudden, stilted effort. Even a moment of trying to imagine how the island would have been, were he all by himself, and Kurt felt that wave of gratitude and nausea alike. How had Puck felt in that first week, after so many hours stuck in that Port-a-Potty? If Kurt had arrived to a stranger, let alone spent any number of days or weeks on his own, he was sure that he wouldn't... well, he wouldn't have been auditioning for Rocky Horror, to say the least.

"I hear all these stories about how some people remain alone here for years, and I wouldn't be able to do it. I wouldn't. I would have just broken down, I'm pretty sure, had some kind of mental collapse," he went on, eyes widening momentarily at the thought as he quickly shook his head. "Honestly, without the play, I'd probably be crying myself to sleep every night, because it's like the one person who has always been with me for everything isn't here. My dad isn't here. It's not the holiday itself that matters so much, you know? It's just an arbitrary date, and I'm not even religious, but it was a day he got off work and that I got off school, so we'd just spend time together. And I don't have that this year. So, yeah, it's... hard, I guess, and wow, I didn't mean to just vomit all of that at you, I'm sorry."

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Marshall had never been able to do that. Revealing so much about himself, being so honest... it was difficult for him, even with people he'd known his entire life. The idea of opening up to a stranger like that was horrifying. He felt instantly embarrassed for Kurt, which was only amplified by the fact that he understood, at least a little.

"No, it's... It's fine. I... I was here a few weeks before my sister came. It's... It's funny, but we weren't nearly as close back home as we are here. But I guess that makes sense." Lionel hadn't seemed that surprised by it, so maybe things had changed, but as kids, they'd really been too different to be such good friends.

"I... I miss my dad, too. Our family? Calling it crazy is kind of an understatement, but he... He'd the one that held everything together." Even when he probably shouldn't have. Even when maybe it would've been best if he'd let Mom go away for a while.

"I feel you there," Kurt admitted in a quick exhale, glad at least that Marshall hadn't brushed aside the confessions Kurt had just made; he didn't imagine that most people would have enjoyed listening to all of that said in a breath, yet the fact that Marshall not only managed to stay, but even seemed intent on trying to identify in his own way, spoke volumes to Kurt. Made him feel, if anything, an instant sense of camaraderie.

"I've got some friends from home here, and while I guess... all of us stuck together to some degree back home, you know, outcasts who were passionate about things that your typical high school is really not, but it wasn't until here that we came to rely on each other for more than supporting vocals. We're all just kids, really. This is so, so much more than anyone should expect people our age to be able to deal with." Shaking his head, Kurt crossed his arms over his chest, hugging himself closely. "Wanting someone else to take up the burden of, I don't know, holding things together? It's understandable. Obviously part of why I want my dad here, selfish as it may be."

And that, maybe, is where their similarities ended. Marshall had long since abandoned the idea of still being a child. He'd grown up before his time, had been forced to, and as much as he resented the fact that his parents had let it happen, he couldn't go back to thinking of himself that way.

Max Gregson might have been the glue that held everyone together, but in a lot of ways, Marshall was the parent.

"I don't think it's selfish. I'm sure he'd want to be here, if he could be." That's what dads were for. Even Marshall's. Especially Marshall's. Max always dove head first into other people's problems. That's why he was so great... And why he was such a wreck.

"Oh, probably," Kurt agreed with a quick nod, the fact too obvious for him to even pretend otherwise in cases where it might have helped to relieve the stress, finding someone else to pin his frustrations on. But, no. There was no single person to resent, there was no one to hold accountable for the sharp sense of futility that Kurt felt whenever he fully looked at the situation he was caught in. "He's kind of the type of guy who wants to take care of everyone and everything, honestly. He doesn't always manage, but it's not for lack of wanting to, or recently, trying to." There was a hint of pride in Kurt's words, even over a fact so recently realized. For a time, he'd thought his father resented him in one way or another, not being the type exactly easy to take care of.

He held no more such misconceptions.

"Anyway, wow, that was... incredibly, incredibly pessimistic of me, sorry," he grinned, ruffling the hair at the back of his neck before patting it down. "Didn't mean to just barf my homesickness all over you."

"It's fine," Marshall said, amusement in his eyes as he added, "I mean, maybe it wasn't an ideal conversation starter, but I think I'm okay."

Awkwardness wasn't unfamiliar to Marshall. He wasn't going to judge, no matter how uncomfortable sharing that much information with a stranger would've made him.

"Maybe you're more well-adjusted than some of my friends from home," Kurt grinned with a slight nod, appreciative and taking a deeper breath to calm his nerves down. If anything, Marshall's level-headed nature reminded him a bit of his dad (although very little else did).

"I know that my timing's lousy, but... you think maybe we could hang out when I'm less mired in the holiday blues? Maybe grab a bite after a dress rehearsal or something." He rolled his eyes self-deprecatingly. "I'm not exactly the most outgoing guy on Tabula Rasa."

"Yeah, that sounds fine. I could even cook. I mean, I work in the kitchen, and it's kind of a hobby of mine, so I'd like to..." he trailed off, realizing belatedly that offering to cook for someone, another boy-- an obviously gay boy, as much as Marshall hated applying stereotypes, might actually sound a little bit like an offer for a date.

"... if that's okay with you."

Back in Lima, Kurt might've found himself suddenly hopeful at such an offer. Even towards the start of his time on the island, he'd felt the same way. But what living around people who varied much more in sexuality had taught him, in the months since his arrival, was that there was no more reason to read so much into a statement. And it was wonderful, freeing, even if deeply jolting to his insecurities all the same, that people could be natural with one another. He smiled, nonetheless, eager to make lasting friends, if nothing else, and possibly learn more from Marshall's quiet confidence as well.

"More than okay. Provided you let me chip in," Kurt remarked with a bob of his head. "I'm pretty good at your standard brunch spread, let me tell you."

"Uh, yeah, sure," Marshall said, relieved that Kurt didn't seem to be taking it the wrong way. And as anal as Marshall was about his cooking, he wouldn't really mind sharing the space, especially if Kurt appreciated the finer culinary arts.

"After the next rehearsal?"

"After the next rehearsal it is," Kurt agreed with a firm nod, suppressing the urge to clap a little— surely a reaction too typical, he thought, of the stereotype. Besides which, more interesting to him than the prospect of cooking together was the idea of getting to know Marshall better, one of many people his age that he'd encountered so many times before, but never really took the time to know. No longer a bottom feeder in the social hierarchy, Kurt only ended up feeling behind on the extending of friendships, wanting to rectify that as soon as he could.

"Just let me know if there's anything I should pick up while the stores are still around. The pickings are definitely better than back on that island."

"I know. I feel like it's made me into a hoarder," Marshall admitted, thinking of his frightfully large and growing collection of spices and various unusual baking ingredients. Unusual for him, at at least.

"My sister hasn't really looked at me the same after I started bringing things home just because I like the look of the labels."

"I feel you," replied Kurt, shaking his head. "Not that I've ever brought back loads of materials when Finn's been around to see, but my stepbrother has... judged my particular inclinations and avocational hobbies more than enough over the short time we've really known each other. He means well, though, and has at least made an effort, however fruitless, to understand why it is that I do the things I do."

He sighed. "But either way, Finn's not here, so he's safe from having to cope with knowing that I've lost my way among the spices for the entirety of a day."

lonely christmas eve

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