likesboys | let us put aside our panic for this one day

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let us put aside our panic for this one day

Truth be told, nothing feels the same. Even though every single memory has been filed back in place, even though the island seems to be quickly licking its wounds and letting the sand wash over them with the rise of the tide, nothing feels quite the same to Kurt, and he's not sure what there is to do about that. For all the crazy things that the island's done in the past, displacing people and places, it's never before so wholly removed parts of their person. At least, not to Kurt's knowledge. And even with everything now back in place, the prospect that it may happen again is nothing short of terrifying.

Kurt never wants to forget who he is. He never wants to forget where he's been, what he's done, the people in his life who make it as colorful as it is. He still hasn't climbed back from the shock of seeing someone he cares for so much forget him in full, and it results in a slightly glazed look to Kurt's eye as he wanders about the island. There are friendships to mend, courses to catch up on, time to be made up for, and he just doesn't quite know where to start.

He does, however, still manage to get to the kitchen on time for his regular Sunday shift, keeping himself busy until the largest influx of people has died down, at which point he seats himself at the kitchen table and picks at his omelette.

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Maxxie's focusing on the positives. Everything's back to normal in a sense; memories have been replaced and everyone's acting like themselves. But that doesn't mean it's back to how it was or that it's not fucked, in little and big ways. Maxxie's not a philosopher, rarely introspective. He recognizes the shift and that's all, channeling his energy into working with it, moving past it, rather than examining it. What good are stopping and thinking going to do?

It's in that spirit that Maxxie strolls into the kitchen, eyes bright and movements easy. He abandons his goal of food when he sees Kurt, looking, it seems like, a little listless. Not the content and happy guy Maxxie thinks he should be right now. There's a second of hesitation, but Maxxie slips into the chair beside Kurt, companionably close but not pressing, and leans forward on the table.

"Hey, dude. What's up?"

The sound of the chair scraping against the floor startles Kurt, even if it's a gentle reaction compared to most he's had in the past few weeks, glancing up and brows raising in recognition as Maxxie seats himself down in the next chair over. There's a large host of emotions that pass through him at the sight of Maxxie, none too negative, but also none too comfortable, the whole of them simply tangled up in a way that Kurt can't quite untangle, although a great part of him thinks that he should. There's no doubt that Maxxie supported the brunt of Kurt's upset last month, after all.

Kurt hasn't even started thanking him for that, too caught up in... well. Grabbing everything he could, every single memory, and burrowing under the blankets as though he might literally be able to hang on.

"Hey," he says, slightly quiet. "Just... tired, I guess. How are you?"

He knows Kurt too long and too well by now for Maxxie to even think of making a joking innuendo out of that response. Besides, anything that's going on between Blaine and Kurt -- good, bad or indifferent -- he's actively trying to stay out of. The misunderstanding at the beach aside -- and taken care of, explained away and moved on from, he thinks -- now that everything's not completely fucked, Maxxie would rather all his couple friends deal with their couple issues as couples. It's easier that way for Maxxie to forget that he's not part of a couple.

"Alright," he answers, shrugging. Nothing's perfect, great, but it's better than it was a few weeks ago.

"What's wearing you out?" Maxxie asks, without insinuation.

"Feeling unsafe," Kurt replies at once, almost defiant as he voices what he's sure some people might advise him against, if only because the island sometimes seems all too deliberate for chance alone. He licks his lips not long after, an apologetic look cast Maxxie's way, because after everything Maxxie did to try and help Kurt and Blaine— and people beyond that, from what Kurt's heard— the last thing he's probably interested in is going over all of the ways in which the island has its shortcomings. Knowing Maxxie, too, he'd probably rather focus on the positive, Kurt thinks to himself. "Just... trying to get over how crazy it is that the island can just take away memories like that. And very specific memories."

He glances down at his hands and clasps them, fingers worrying against his knuckles.

"I'm really sorry for giving you as much trouble as I did, though."

He frowns slightly, but after a beat, it makes sense. It's not the regular kind of unsafe that Maxxie's used to, the type of threats boys like him and Kurt would have to deal with, but he can understand it. Even if there's nothing they can do about it. The island acts like a bully, but it doesn't fall like one.

Shaking his head, Maxxie shifts, slouching back in his chair. "Don't worry about it," he says, then gives the other boy an easy grin. "It's what friends are for, right? You didn't get sick on me. That's about all I could ask for."

Kurt watches as Maxxie slumps back in his chair, something about his stance and position still so easy and effortless. That's the thing that he admires about Maxxie most, how comfortable he is in his own skin. Kurt may talk a big talk, but at the end of the day, he's still been finding himself and finding some level of comfort with his body. It's been far better than in years past, but it's still nowhere close to Maxxie.

And a part of him can't help but think that if it was, if he could believe himself attractive whether skin-deep or otherwise, then he wouldn't have been such a burden throughout the whole of last month.

"I still spent an inordinate amount of time crying around you. Or, you know. Assuming the worst when you were just playing in the water with my boyfriend." Kurt's cheeks color slightly at the memory.

Maxxie's gaze drifts down at that reference, though he doesn't blush the same as Kurt. He doesn't feel guilty exactly; they weren't doing anything wrong whatsoever, and if either Kurt or Blaine had simply taken the initiative, been willing to let themselves get hurt a little to gain a lot, it wouldn't have ever been an issue. But after what happened with Billy and Teddy too, Maxxie feels like he was in the wrong place at the wrong time for all of July, rather than helping out like he thought he was.

"It was a rough month," he says, shrugging a little to back up his words with a careless sentiment. The only part of supporting Kurt and dealing with his drama that Maxxie really hated was how much it had obviously hurt Kurt. Everything else he could deal with.

"Around here, I'm sure there's gonna be the opportunity for payback," he adds. Maxxie shoots him a wink that lacks most of its intended playfulness, but not all. "Get ready for me sobbing on you."

There's a hint of the Maxxie that Kurt first met months ago in that slight wink. A spark where there used to be constant sunshine, but it's enough for Kurt to appreciate, having worried for a time that all of it slipped away after the disappearance of his boyfriend. The trouble is, as much as they're trying to joke about opportunities for comfort being numerous yet, that in of itself worries Kurt. The island's going to continue throwing more and more at them. It's going to continue trying to cut them down.

It may very well succeed.

"You mean, if I don't beat you to it for the second time," Kurt points out. It'd be nice to bury himself in the jokes and just forget, but again he trips on his own thoughts, far too many of them and constantly burgeoning. "October will be here before we know it. And I've already been seeing things. Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't... isolate myself that day or something, since I don't exactly want to endanger anyone around me if any of that becomes real."

He hadn't been paying any attention to that talk: visions, fears, what's coming. Hadn't until it had all but hit him in the face when Maxxie ran into Dave suffering from his own delusion. Now he's in that stage between ignorance and awareness, where he knows something's going on but he doesn't want to know. He'll try and nudge it away for a little while longer, but no sense of mental self-preservation is strong enough to make him allow Kurt to do something stupid and dangerous.

"And how's that gonna help you, dude?" He's got no idea what Kurt's been seeing, what he fears, but Maxxie's never known any challenge to be easier without the help of friends.

"A bunch of people are seeing shit, right? So there's gonna be stuff everywhere. And if it's something you're scared of, well then you can't do anything about it, can you? But someone else might not mind and be able to help. I mean, I've got a friend who is a knight and keeps a dragon as a pet," he says, a grin pulling at his lips. "Anything you're afraid of's gotta be a walk in the park for him to slay."

Quickly shaking his head, Kurt rolls his eyes briefly, not at all unappreciative of Maxxie's advice, but knowing that it isn't a terribly great fit for his situation. "No, no, it's... really not that simple," he sighs, blowing a puff of air up towards his bangs, nudging some strands of hair out of the way. "Actually, it's pretty much the exact opposite. All of my hallucinations are of heart monitors, of people's hearts just giving out. My dad's been the only person I've seen in dreams and such, but, I don't know. My dad isn't on the island, so what if that fear ends up transferring to someone else? The last thing I want to do is to give someone a heart attack."

His brow furrows in frustration, shoulders raising heavily as he smooths his hands over his forearms.

"I wouldn't just run if it was my fear of vampires surfacing. I'm not that self-sacrificing, especially not when there are so many people on the island who could do the whole save the world thing in their sleep."

So, no, Maxxie's advice really doesn't matter in this situation at all. The fact that he's sort of completely misjudged Kurt's fears pass by without comment. It's easier to think of whatever's happening in terms of vampires and zombies, monsters from nightmares. Those can be slain. The other stuff's not so easy to deal with, and Maxxie's not ready to contemplate that yet. Instead he takes what little comfort he can from Kurt's last comment and tries to understand without really letting himself understand it.

"Still," he says quietly. "I'd at least keep Blaine with me, if I were you. I mean, it's just visions, right? And you don't know if it's gonna switch onto someone else or not." Maxxie shrugs meekly. "I'd want somebody with me through all that."

Pursing his lips, Kurt offers a faint, almost hopeless kind of shrug. Because he knows exactly what Maxxie's talking about. Out of all of the people on the island, Kurt's pretty sure that Blaine's the one he'd want to have by him the most. Rachel would be a close second. And he has so many more friends on the island beyond that, in greater amounts than he thought he'd necessarily ever have when he was still back in Lima. Fears are always easier to conquer when there's strength in numbers to fall back on.

"I get it. Obviously, yeah, I would prefer to have someone with me there too, but... you've heard all the talk, right? That the visions become something more on Halloween. Or at least, that's what happened the last time." Kurt rubs at the back of his neck. "I don't know, Maxxie. I can't think of anyone I'd be willing to risk hurting with something like that. My dad had a heart attack, it kept him in a coma for days."

"Yeah, more but..." The truth is Maxxie doesn't have much of a clue what he's talking about. He's heard talk, but he's tuned it out as much as he can. He hasn't spent any time coming up with theories or worst case scenarios like Kurt because it doesn't affect him yet. Every other shitty thing on the island's been demanding his attention.

Fucking island.

"Which would scare you more?" he says. "Me in a coma or your dad? Think the island's gonna go with whatever makes our lives most miserable, not just attack whoever's nearby. That's what it likes to do, yeah?"

He shrugs again, pressing his lips together. "Your decision, dude, whatever you do. I guess I just want to make sure you're alright. Or as alright as you can be."

Kurt falls silent then, something twisting deep in his chest that he doesn't want to put a voice to. It's easier to talk about a fear morphing, because there's something that he can do about that. Precautions he can take. He doesn't want to think about what might happen if his fear indeed remains what it's always been— one of his dad dying, one of his dad having a heart attack and Kurt being helpless to do anything.

Because what would that mean? His dad arrives on the island for a day, only to die? Or worse yet, Kurt gets to wonder if he's somehow died back home, if his son's fear has in some twisted way made it so.

He finds himself at an impasse.

"Let's just... change the topic?" he suggests, shrugging lightly, his face slightly pale.

"Right," Maxxie says immediately. He can't know what all is going on in Kurt's head, but he doesn't really have to know the specifics. It's his worst fear. It's terrifying. Maxxie himself would be a wreck if he were in Kurt's position. He can't imagine talking about it, trying to ignore it, trying to prepare for it.

"So... my birthday's coming up!" he says brightly. "Chris and I are gonna set everything up, now that he's back to normal.

"You'll come, right?" He looks up at Kurt with a tentatively hopeful expression. Their kind of party isn't really Kurt's kind of party, and with his head where it is, he might not want to go to any kind of party. But that might just be the best thing for it.

Sighing with relief at the change in subject, Kurt perks up at the mention, tugging his shoulders back with a slight burst of pride at the thought of the present he's already started working on for Maxxie. It's a vest, gray for the elegance, silvery satin to stand out, and striped in the way Maxxie seems to enjoy so well. (And it certainly took long enough to coax that type of fabric out of the clothes box, that much was for certain.)

Best of all, the inner lining is a gorgeous shade of magenta, if Kurt does say so himself.

"I am definitely coming to the party, if only because I need to see what you think of your gift. But... no coaxing me towards the alcohol or the drugs," Kurt says with a slight exhale. "I'd rather stay sober."

Maxxie instantly eases into a bright smile, pleased to hear that not only is he getting a present but apparently it's something Kurt's already picked out or thought about. Maxxie's no planner. Anything that takes more than a day or two to prepare is a serious undertaking indeed.

He holds up his hands, palms first in a show of surrender and slouches back in his chair.

"No pressure, dude. Whatever you're comfortable with," Maxxie says. "Might not matter much anyway. Chris is out, so we're trying to find other stuff. Like, natural stuff? Don't know if we'll come up with much more than pot."

At the thought of weed, Kurt's nose still wrinkles upon remembering its smell. And, perhaps, more importantly, the way that some people behave when high, as though not at all conscious of anything that they do. But Kurt does his best to school his expression into something more tolerant, more understanding, as he offers Maxxie a nod.

"I'm sure that you'll be able to find something that suffices," Kurt reassures Maxxie with a slight quirk of his lips. "Or, if nothing else, that there must be someone on the island capable of synthesizing that stuff. We've got too many geniuses for people not to figure out how to distill our herbal goods a little, right?"

Maxxie shakes his head, unable to hide the disappointed fall of his shoulders. "Chris' science guy disappeared," he says. "Dunno who else would be willing to manufacture Class A drugs for party kids."

It's a shame all their smartest friends are straight-edge. They need more deviant geniuses.

Biting his lip, Maxxie hesitates for a second before leaning forward again. He knows a conversation about drugs with Kurt won't go very far, but while they're on the subject of the party, this seems the best opportunity to ask a horribly awkward question.

"Um, I actually need to ask you something, kind of about the party, but not-- It's kind of weird and I feel weird for asking, but I want you to be totally honest with me, dude. Cool?"

"Well, don't look at me," Kurt says, raising both brows. "Even were I quite that strong in the sciences... you already know my thoughts on the matter." He purses his lips, managing to keep them shut before going on with more reprimands, but it's a close thing. He never really understands people who willingly take such great risks when plenty of studies have already hinted at the consequences that can easily follow.

But then again, maybe some people don't have as much in their life to protect, Kurt muses.

Crossing his arms lightly, Kurt bites down on his lower lip, slightly nervous at the sound of Maxxie's words. Tilting his head, Kurt shrugs. "You can always ask. I can't guarantee the answer you want, but... sure, just ask," Kurt says, cheeks blanching slightly in worry.

"I don't care if it's the answer I want. I'll still respect it." He doesn't want a bad response from Kurt, but it is a very real possibility, Maxxie knows, so he's prepared himself. There's no answer Kurt could come up with that would be unreasonable in Maxxie's view.

"It's just-- Okay, back home," Maxxie begins, glancing up to watch Kurt's every reaction though his teeth worried his lip at every pause. "There was this girl who fucked me over. Bad. And my best mate Anwar started dating her right after. I felt like he was being a dick about it, so it hurt. And the thing is... Would you be upset if something happened with me and Dave?"

The question out, he immediately dives into a hurried explanation, trying to avoid a hasty, angry response that's, in his mind, totally possible. "It's not the same, I know. And I don't even know if anything will happen. It probably won't. But just in case. It's not like I'm cool with what he did to you. It's just that's between you guys." And Dave seems to be repentant, completely aware and ashamed of how he fucked up, but Maxxie keeps his mouth shut on that so it doesn't sound like he's pushing for Kurt to feel a certain way.

"I don't want to be the asshole who hooks up with the dude who bullied you while you feel betrayed, or whatever."

Kurt isn't sure what he was expecting to hear from Maxxie, but it definitely wasn't this. Brow raising and lips parting, he falls silent for a few seconds before tilting his head in thought— while he doesn't look especially pleased, neither does Kurt look overly upset. Because he doesn't really have a right to be. Who either Maxxie or Dave decides to hook up with is none of Kurt's business, really. And if anything, he should probably be glad for the fact that Maxxie's offering Kurt this chance to veto at all.

But he isn't really grateful, and it isn't a topic that's entirely comfortable, and Kurt wonders now if these things ever really go entirely away. If it's okay that he's not sure whether or not he'll ever completely forget the way he felt when Karofsky was terrorizing him.

"I don't have a problem with you dating Dave," he says carefully, testing out the words and how they feel on his tongue. "I really don't. I'm glad you've told me that this is even a possibility, because I don't think I saw this coming, but... I know Dave felt bad about everything he did and I know that this island is helping him come to accept himself for who he is. I know all of that. Just... be careful with him, I guess? Not that I think he's going to hurt you or you him, but he hasn't really accepted, I don't know, himself for very long. You know? He hasn't been as sure of himself in the way that you and I are."

Kurt bites down awkwardly on his lower lip. "And I'm not sure I'll want, um. Too many details. If you two go out. It's just," he breathes a sigh. "I don't have a problem with it, but I'm still, there's still a small mental block, I guess. Does that make sense?"

Dating is a big leap from what Maxxie thinks might happen at his party, where anyone who wants can get a little wasted, a little stupid and a little privacy. Dave's his friend. He likes the guy, with or without the bit of flirtation they have going. There's no way he's going to be disappointed if nothing at all happens, even though he thinks something might. But it takes Kurt mentioning dating for Maxxie to realize that he's not totally against the idea.

He shut down after Marshall. He shut down almost completely and it's only now, in the last month or so, that he's really wanted any kind of male attention. Or maybe more.

"Yeah," Maxxie says, nodding. He has noticed that. He knows how tough it is when you're not... well, like Maxxie or Kurt. He isn't sure how he's supposed to be careful with Dave exactly, but he knows it's something he has to be aware of.

"And no, totally. I won't be talking your ear off about it. Or at all. If something even happens. I just didn't want you to see something and not know what the fuck was going on." Maxxie shrugs. "Sometimes shit gets more complicated than it needs to be."

"You're talking to the guy who had his boyfriend show up from practically a year ahead in time— while yours truly hadn't even started that relationship when he was back home— and just proceeded to spend the last month coping with the fact that said boyfriend managed, at the hands of magic, to forget yours truly entirely. I... think I have a decent grasp of how complicated things can get. And how much more complicated they could have been than they were," Kurt muses, tone slightly sardonic, his gaze softening a little in the process. He rubs at the back of his neck, kicking his legs out slightly under the table and hooking them at the ankle.

Pulling his lip briefly in between his teeth, Kurt tilts his head. "You know, some time ago, K— David told me that he was in love with me. I don't think it was with great expectation that I'd, I'd leave Blaine or anything," muses Kurt, rubbing at his forehead and closing his eyes. "Honestly, I don't think what he feels towards me is love so much as it might be a crush, I... I don't know. I've been steadfastly ignoring the whole thing since he confessed because it's just awkward and I'm not sure I'm the right person to iron it all out. But if there's already, you know, something potentially going on between the two of you, then that's good. That means he's moving on."

The island is more than fucked on a regular basis, but it's the little things Maxxie is conscious of: how a smile might mean more than you think or a comment could be heard the complete wrong way. How comforting a friend could look like a come on or screwing around on the beach can look like flirting. They don't need the island to make a mess of their lives sometimes. They do it all on their own. But that's shit they can handle on their own too, which is why Maxxie's having this conversation.

And it's why Maxxie tamps down on the uncomfortable feeling that bubbles up as Kurt continues. Maxxie likes to be liked. It's not something he's desperate over; he won't change himself to suit someone else. But he is pretty cool and he likes to be liked, favored. He hasn't got a claim on Dave. There's an extremely high chance that absolutely nothing at all will happen between them. But being reminded of the guy's crush sets up a natural comparison. Moving on sometimes means settling. And whatever the current situation is between Kurt and Dave, it sounds like Kurt hopes some kind of issue will disappear if Maxxie takes it on.

That can't be what Kurt means. It can't. Maxxie knows that, even if he also knows it's kind of fucked to tell your friend that the guy he kind of has a thing for confessed to being in love with you. It's completely different from Kurt's perspective, so Maxxie shrugs, not sure of the right thing to say to all that, from his perspective.

"We'll see what happens," he says. "Like I said, it's just in case. Maybe nothing'll happen at all and he'll move on without anybody at all."

"I just... want him to move onto something better, you know? Whatever it is, whether it's dating or working construction or playing American football," Kurt says, with an ease that only increases the more he talks, forcing himself to reflect on the topic and trying to understand Karofsky more than he might normally be inclined to. "It's just, when you're really in love, whether it's with dancing or performing or with another person, you know. You don't hesitate to recognize the emotion. At least, in my experience. For me, with singing, it was the first time New Directions took the stage that I really thought I could really go somewhere with it. Or with Blaine, there was this moment after we'd started dating that I didn't have with my previous crushes. No offense," he adds, lips pursed in slight amusement at Maxxie.

"With Karofsky, I think it's just that I was literally the only out person at school at the time, and I was finally learning to be proud of myself and everything that I was. I don't think it's..." Kurt's voice trails off, a slight turn in his stomach, something like wonder, maybe a touch of dread. Maybe he's just making excuses. Maybe he doesn't understand Karofsky at all. As much of a relief as it is to get the words out, Kurt still sneaks a glance over towards Maxxie, an unaware apology in his eyes as he smiles for a second, exhaling deeply.

"Sorry, that was the mother of all tangents. My point's just that, if something might happen there, I'm supportive. Of him for multiple reasons, and of you because I'm kind of baffled that you don't have someone already. Bet everyone's just a bit intimidated," murmurs Kurt with a small grin.

Maxxie can't agree with Kurt's assessment on being in love, but he doesn't voice that. Everything that went down with Tony and Marshall embarrasses him, as he feels he let down the two people he cared about most and screwed them all over. Bringing it up again, even in just a passing reference, would reopen a wound that Maxxie's been steadfastly ignoring. Eventually it will heal, he's sure.

Or maybe the answer is that Maxxie has never been in love. With dancing, he can't gauge that. He's been in love with being on stage as far back as he can remember. It's a part of him, not something that developed. Maybe he really never got to that point with Marshall. Maybe what he felt for Tony wasn't being in love at all. What does he know about being in love, after all?

"Or taken," Maxxie answers with a wry grin, once again skirting the topic of his past, relationships lost. "Not that I fancy Dave out of desperation or something," he laughs when he realizes his words could be taken another way. "But, shit, dude, this last month made me realize how many of my friends are couples. Gay couples."

There isn't any graceful way to handle the topic of someone's single status. Really, there isn't. Kurt could go on about how many years he spent completely alone, without anyone taking even the slightest interest in him. (Brittany doesn't count.) He can go on about how it felt like no one on the island even cared when he first arrived, not until Maxxie's fleeting interest, but even that opens a can of worms that Kurt doesn't care to. Whatever happened between Maxxie and the boys drawn to him at the time isn't Kurt's business.

But there's a minute amount that he can joke about, so he seizes onto that, wanting to keep the conversation light. "Oh, you're so not getting any sympathy from me there," he says, straight-faced as he glances over at Maxxie, eyes wide. "You had your shot, and you blew it. You missed out on what could have been the relationship of a lifetime."

Slowly, his lips curve into a small smile, slightly teasing.

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let us put aside our panic for this one day

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